Welcome to my Life

I missed you a lot today...

2009-08-30T22:56:00.002-05:00

I miss talking to my Mimi so if you will humor me...I'm going to talk to her here.

I missed you a lot today. There were great big puffy clouds in the sky; the kind we used to find all sorts of fun things in while sitting on the front porch. The sky was a perfect blue and there was a cool breeze heralding the autumn chill. It will be fall soon and the trees will explode with color and the dew will turn to frost and the squirrels will be running around the roof with their stash growing every day. But today, was one of those days were sweet dreams become reality...the perfect day at the end of the summer. Sixty years ago there would have been a dozen neighborhood kids playing tag football in the side yard or maybe just a few playing cowboys and indians. Tonight there's an extra blanket on my bed and I have socks on my feet. The daisies in my flower pot are starting to whither, but they're still lovely. I burned up my teapot yesterday...I turned the wrong burner on...I smiled when I thought it was something you would have done (and have before). Aunt Judy told Dad that when he wins the lottery, she wants a hot male nurse who likes older women. I could hear your voice going "lalala". I felt you holding my hand while I was standing by the lake, just like I often feel you beside me. I guess I just miss telling you things. Things like how much I love you and miss you and wish I could hear you laugh just one more time...

5 am wake-up call

2009-08-25T22:57:00.002-05:00

Today was one of those days that happens rarely in my life. I got up early (ok, so 10 isn't that early, but for me it is...especially when I didn't have to be to work til 3) and made myself breakfast! I made Monkey breakfast (this is because he refuses to eat his regular dog food, so he gets a canned food/ hard food combo) then we went for a walk. When we got back I cleaned the kitchen, took out all the trash, put away four baskets of laundry, cleaned the bathroom, changed the sheets on my bed, gave Monkey a bath and then got myself ready for work! I felt like a complete rockstar! My neighbor above me is a teacher in another town and therefore gets up at 5 am! No kidding and so not funny! This does, however, motivate me to go to bed earlier...which in turn helps me get up earlier...on the days when I have to open it will be great and on the days I have to close, I'll be productive! I hope to have everything ready to start school in the spring and work on getting this degree done. I have a million crafting ideas and now have to work on getting them out of my head and into reality. I'm trying to keep myself busy so I don't drive myself insane with being lonely, but time will help heal that as well. That's a lot of information in a small space, so I think I'll call it a night. Thanks for reading!

Ideas Please!

2009-08-19T00:20:00.003-05:00

Ok, so it's 12:30 AM...that's right, the middle of the night on a Tuesday/ Wednesday. I'm still up, wide awake, and fidgity. I don't even know if that's a word, but it is now. I was so excited to have this week off to craft and scrapbook and write and just do the million things I couldn't find time to do while I worked. *scoffs* Well, of course, as fate and timing would have it, I'm stuck. I have no ideas. I sat at my stamping table today with the excitement reserved for Christmas morning and birthday presents. Nothin'! Absolutely nothing. So, I got up, cleaned my kitchen, watered my daisies, walked Monkey, and loaded photos onto the computer. Surely this would clear enough way for an idea or two, right? Nope...no such luck. So, here I sit, with all the time in the world and two closets of various supplies for the making of cute crafties and my result is...nothing. I did, however, manage to go thru my entire scrap bucket and either turn it into squares or circles to be used in the future instead of a giant box of colored debris. A friend says wisely..."You can't force it. It will come." Thanks for that, but really? I'm the creative whiz...maybe I'm whizzed out.

Stuck in the mud

2009-08-17T18:04:00.002-05:00

I think I've decided that I'm bored. I don't mean like can't find anything to do bored, I mean like numb to the world and completely restless bored. I'm stunted. I got out of a bad situation and now, I'm stuck back in the mud...alone and safe, but muddy none the less.

I had already given my notice at work before Mimi died, but then it was really over. I haven't been back since. I see her face in every one of the residents and I just can't do it anymore. So, that being said, I think I'm going to put my nose to the grind-stone and figure out what to do to get myself back to happy. I miss her so much I can barely breathe when I think of her. I want to make her proud.

I got a great job opportunity, assistant manager back at Catherine's. I start the 24th. So in the meantime, I've begun two significant projects...I've started selling Avon, quick and easy money and not much huge effort. (Plus, Mom will be my best customer) The second project is to get my Etsy page revamped...I'll post a link when it's ready. I keep my home clean, Monkey happy, dishes done, and my head in the clouds! One day, hopefully not to long from now, I'll wake up and be comfortable in my own skin again. Until then, I'll just smile and dream.

For Mimi

2009-08-13T20:45:00.009-05:00

God gave a great gift to the world in July of 1919. A gift of light, love, and laughter. A gift of humor, grace and humility. A gift to be protected and kept in a safe place. He gave the world one of His greatest creations. He gave Modena and Dee a unique daughter. He gave Nolan and Bonnie a cherished sister. He gave Floyd a beloved wife. He gave Bill and Judy an amazing mother. And He gave Sara her treasured Mimi.

All my life you taught me things…how to reach the cookies in the cookie jar without making a sound, how to make the best mud-pies this side of the Red River, how to make imaginary tea taste like heaven. But, more than any of that, you taught me how to feel adored. I never questioned your love and devotion to the blond-headed firecracker who repeated words like a magpie, and told jokes just to see you smile. Whether it was sitting on the porch eating M&Ms or listening to your voice read me the same story everyday, when I sat next to you, I was safe. I felt at ease and completely loved.

From a distance, the letters flew, when we moved around and changed lives. The phone number was always the same and the sweet voice on the other end was such a comfort. When frigid wind later blew around a campus dorm, collect calls were accepted and hours were spent poring over every detail of college life. Every birthday was a celebration, every Christmas a production of epic proportions, every tradition made was kept safe and special.

When tragedy struck our family, you rallied behind us all. You opened your heart and home to a young boy who desperately needed Mimi-love. You wrapped him into the folds of your heart, and never let him go. He loves you for that, and is so proud to call you his. You remained the rock in the tumultuous seas of life. You were the beacon of security and love and home. You were the safe place to fall, the shoulder to cry on, and the voice of reason.

Over the years, the old house under the sycamore trees was the house of memories: Kids playing in the side yard, Easter egg hunts, family pictures, Sunday dinners, cowboys and Indians, introductions, announcements, board games, chocolate pies, fashion shows, “First-born-baby-boys”, “Curly-headed dolls”, sleep-overs, make-overs, weddings, funerals, birthdays, Mother’s Days, even just Tuesdays. Friends gathered, love was shared, and laughter echoed from the rafters. The place on the end of the couch will always be yours.

You were many things in your life: a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a mother-in-law, a grandmother, an aunt, a niece, a cousin, and a friend. The void you leave is great. I know that I speak for the entire family and for all the friends when I say: We love you, more that words can express. We are grateful to have had you in our lives. And we are so glad that for a few moments, we got to be a part of your life too.

Mildred Rubarts Galyon

July 24, 1919-August 9, 2009

I'm getting excited!

2009-06-04T21:17:00.002-05:00

So, I'm totally getting excited about my new little apartment...because I'm trying not to stress out about the fact that I'm not done packing and supposed to be moving Saturday...so I decided to take a break and list a few of the things I'm excited about!

I'm excited about the new clean apartment smell, unpacking all my stuff and feeling like Christmas cause it's all going in a new place, white walls, making curtains, buying new goodies (even if it's a toilet brush and dish strainer), getting mail with my new address for the first time, walking to my mom's in my jammies, hanging out with Matthew whenever we want to, getting a cute key from Home Depot, taking pictures of the new place all set up to post on my blog, using my dishes again, baking something in my new oven, silence after a long day, sleeping in, eating my own left-overs, not having to share anything!, not having to clean up after a boy, having a pretty bathroom, lighting candles, watching movies all day, rocking out to 80's music, crafting to Pirates of the Caribbean, knowing where everything is because nobody moved it when I left, sheets that smell like me, walking around naked, having people over, having freedom, being single again!

Ok, moving Saturday, will blog when I can since I won't have internet for a while.

Decisions

2009-05-30T22:10:00.003-05:00

Two posts in two days! What is the world coming to? Anyway...as I sit here in the peace of the night I can't help but daydream about my new place. It's teenie, just an efficiency, but it's bright and sunny and cozy. I have a generous friend who just about an hour ago called me and told me I could have her old furniture! It's not "old", she's just getting new stuff...so I get a full set for free, which is always the best way to get something like that. I couldn't thank her enough for her generosity and then I started to think...I made a decision some time ago. I made the decision for myself to be happy again and to regain some spiritual health. I haven't quite dusted off the old scriptures, but I catch myself talking to Heavenly Father more...which is a good thing. Then I realized that ever since I made the choice to leave here and this situation, everything is falling into place with the percision of a well thought-out puzzle piece...or maybe it's the blessing of a good choice. Here's the course of events...I decided to leave and that weekend my mom called me and told me there was a little apartment open in her area and it wouldn't be ready til the first of June, but if I wanted it, they'd hold it for me. Then some things happened at work and I lost a little of my excitement to be there everyday, which made the decision to leave a little easier. Then my dad mentioned that he would help with the expense of the UHaul and gas...then Mom mentioned that the Kid would be out of school and able to help move. Then Dad also mentioned that since my aunt is in a nursing home that I could have her bed (since mine was sold when I moved to Dallas). Then last weekend when we went home for Memorial Day weekend, I saw the cute little apartment, realized how much I missed my family and needed to be closer and knew that I was making the right choice. Then something else happened...we went to visit Mimi and Judy in the nursing home. We had stopped by the house to get some things they requested and the feeling of strangeness was overwhelming. It was spooky quiet and eerily sad in a house that was always so full of life and laughter and noise. I knew in that moment that I would never forgive myself if I was gone during the last part of their lives. I went the next day and signed a lease and turned in my two weeks notice. I haven't looked back from that point...and since, Mark's financial situation has turned back to the positive (less guilt in leaving now), Monkey sleeps soundly with me (good for when Mark's not around), Gary and Dad and Matthew and some others are all free to help move me next Saturday, I have furniture now, and lastly...I'm ready to actually have the spirit in my home...I need it with me for the first time in years. The anger has passed, the sadness is gone, and the optimism has returned. It's a glorious feeling to be ready for the next chapter. So...this decision is a good one and I can't wait to see what happens on the next page!

Climbing a Mountain

2009-05-29T21:33:00.003-05:00

Ok, I know it's been a million years since I posted anything and I know a lot has changed and I know that nobody reads this, but I'm starting a new chapter and I'm gonna throw it out there!

I'm moving, with Monkey only, from Dallas back home. After way too many tears and screams and hurt feelings, I've had enough. I need to be happy. I need to be free. I need to get back to being comfortable in my own skin and I need to regain my spiritual footing. I wanted to have a family so badly that I created one in my own head and unfortunately it didn't translate into a language we both understood. I will always have love in my heart for this man that I've shared the last year of my life with and it wasn't all bad...but it wasn't enough. I deserve to be loved and adored unconditionally and that is what I'll wait for. In the meantime, I'll learn to love myself.

So, that being said, I have a new little apartment waiting and an amazing family who is coming to the rescue yet again with open arms and kind smiles and listening ears. I don't have a job yet, but I know one will come. And there's a whole ward waiting for the "prodigal daughter" to return. I don't know how comfortable that will be at first, but it's not supposed to be easy to climb a mountain. But, I have my climbing shoes on and I'm ready.

Happiness...may I have the definition, please!

2009-03-22T23:36:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I'm sitting in the quiet...literally, silent except for the clicking of the keys as I type...thinking about something really serious.

Am I happy?

Now I know that from day to day our moods change, it's human nature, but mine doesn't much anymore. I'm pretty dang snippy most of the time. I rarely smile, I'm always irritated, and I feel like crying a lot (if I don't feel like doing Kung-Fu on random strangers simply because I have a need to knock someone down). I know that some may say it's PMS...I don't believe in PMS. I believe that your mood is a direct reflection of what's going on around you or within you. I have a great job, a sweet puppy, a roof over my head, food to eat, a loving family, amazing friends (even though they live a million miles away). I don't know what's wrong with me. My mother thinks it's that I need to go back to church...(gag) but I think that the cause is deeper than that. I think I'm unhappy...with life. Mark and I fight all the time lately. If it's not about money, it's about who didn't do the dishes or take Monkey out first thing in the morning, or who is more annoying! Seriously, we fight all the time. I'm at the stage in my life where I ache to have a family...it is literally an ache that is painful and constant. But more than that even is the desire to feel calm and happy and content. I miss being single and one shouldn't feel that way when they're living with someone. I miss coming home to quiet and calm. I miss stripping in the middle of the living room and eating cake for dinner. I miss laying in my cozy bed and reading a book on my day off. I miss coming home and being able to eat the leftovers I thought about, sitting in the fridge all day, beckoning with their yummy goodness. I miss knowing that when I spend a day cleaning, it will stay that way for a while...I miss being single. I miss sleeping for 12 hours if that's what I want to do. I miss watching sad or sappy or stupid movies and laughing or crying out loud. I miss the thrill of a first date, first kiss, flirting and giving away my number to the cute boy who winks at me. I miss romance in the stage of romance where you still care about making a good impression and you'd rather gouge out your eye than let the other person feel bad about themselves because of something you said. I miss kindness and consideration. I miss the dream...you know the one I mean, the dream where you have your white knight, but he's real and right in front of you and doesn't smell like a horse. I miss smiling, I miss laughing, I miss...I miss...I miss me. (sigh)

Now, on the other hand, I don't miss having to worry about how I look all the time, having to shave my legs everyday, or wear make-up (even though I do for work). I don't miss having a jar of something in my fridge for a year, because I can't get the lid off and keep forgetting to ask my dad to do it when he visits. I don't miss not having to pay for everything, take out the trash, or being alone when it storms.

But, when it comes to life and love...is that enough?

How much is that doggie in the window?

2009-03-09T18:41:00.006-05:00

Ok, it's been a while since I've had either the time or the ability to update our life. First let me talk about Monkey. He is getting so big...well for him he's getting big. He still only weighs about 3 pounds. He's fearless! He now runs up and down the stairs like it's a game and jumps from the couch and the bed...but can't jump on. When we leave, whether for work or to go shopping, he knows we're leaving. He will either sneak out the door like a ninja, or he'll jump up in our bay window and walk the perimeter like a watch dog! He has so much character and personality now. He makes me laugh everyday and is always so excited to see me when I come home from work. He is very independent all day long, but there's something that comes over him at night and he gets very "young" and needy. Naptime during the day is no big deal, he has a comfy space under our bar with a blanket and his toys and that's where he crashes. However, as soon as it's dark and we start to get ready for bed and calm down...he needs his "mommy". I started a very bad habit of him in bed with me from day one and now that he's bigger, he takes over the bed...or crawls up and sleeps under my chin! He makes me so warm, but I love having his little heartbeat and breathing rhythm next to me. It's very soothing. Having him is really helping my baby craving, so it's a very good thing!

Another update is about my family. My aunt is doing well, but my grandmother is being moved to a nursing home. She had a bout with exhaustion and was really sick, so the doctors decided it was time. She needs 24 hour care and rest now...I mean she's 89! They're moving her from the hospital tomorrow morning to one of the best facilities in the state, so we're lucky for that part. And then it was decided that my aunt, who is making progress, but is still dependent on others would move there as well. They are going to share a little suite and they're both actually excited about the move. In the words of my aunt, it will take away the fear and allow them to enjoy things again without the worry of falling, getting sick, having no one around to help, or the daily chores that were impossible for either of them to do for themselves. I'm grateful for the nurses who have helped them so much every day. And to the amazing man and woman I was born to. My father has sacrificed everything the last few months. His time, his energy, his freedom were all given without a second thought. I'm more proud of him everyday. And then there's my mom. My parents haven't been married for 20 some years...and yet she has taken the opportunity to help in everyway possible. She sat with my aunt while Mimi had appointments, made sure they had dinner on the nights my dad needed a break, and now that Mimi's gone, she's still helping with Judy. She sent men (Gary and Matthew) to help move furniture, makes meals, keeps them company...and I can't tell how proud of her I am. She has no responsibility for this part of my family anymore and still she opens her heart and steps up. I'm so grateful for the examples they are setting for me. And the knowledge that in a few days two of the most important women in my life will be cared for and safe once again.

Finally, Mark got into school and has everything ready to start DeVry in April! We're so excited and can't wait to see the progress he makes. We've decided that I'll keep working and he'll concentrate on school. He could be done in two years, and with my recent promotion and improving debt, we'll be good to go! I'm so stoked. Once he's done and things are normal...we get to move onto the next stage of our "family". The next little while will be an exciting time in our lives and I am thrilled to share it with him.

One of life's greatest blessings...

2009-02-08T20:43:00.000-06:00

This beautiful little boy is the nephew of the man I love and the son of the oldest friend I have. His name is Ethan and he is amazing. He's so calm and mellow and every time I see him he's bigger and cuter and more communicative. He started out as this tiny little "worm baby", as his uncle loved to call him. He was red and squirmy and not very fun, but still so cute! Now he has a little personality and loves to smile and laugh. Of course with all the goofy members of his family, who wouldn't laugh? I loved walking in and looking at him and cooing at him and in return, I got a grin with dimples and a coo right back. Being around Ethan is a surreal experience for me. See, his mom and I grew up together. We've been friends forever. I don't ever even remember a time when she wasn't in my life. We were even in the same Kindergarten class. It's a reality check to me when I see her wedding photos and then the first baby came and now this one. It makes me think about when we were little girls and used to play dolls and house. I can vividly remember walking around the house with dolls in strollers with her. Then I see her as a mother and am reminded that although life has blasted past us and carried us in its wake, I am so glad I get to see her through this. She's an amazing mother, with her hands full, but still she's full of love and kindness and patience. I'm in awe of her sometimes. I can't wait til I get to share this part of my life with her as well.

Also being around her boys makes me think how blessed we are to know where those little spirits come from and why they're here. I look at Ethan and I see heaven sparkle in his eyes. He oozes sweetness and innocence and love. You can't help but to be excited to walk up to him and snuggle his warm little body against yours and then watch him light up and smile, simply because he can. He was so funny this weekend, he kept making faces and scrunching his eyebrows, then because we giggled he did too. It was wonderful and such a sweet moment to get to share with the family.

Oh and the puppy has been named...Monkey. He earns it every day! He climbs on everything and just makes us laugh. He hops and runs everywhere and then snuggles when he's sleepy. He chases toes and his own tale and is terrified of heights. He knows that when he goes outside and goes potty he gets a treat. He waits for it! Right now, he's snuggled up in a towel at my feet. I almost can't remember life without him in it. We love him so much. Everyone asked me this weekend if I still wanted a baby, and of course the answer was yes. I have a greater understanding of the sleep deprivation I will experience, but I can't wait to have a human baby!

Now misc updates...my aunt got to come home this week and is doing well. My little brother is starting baseball and loving it. My dad killed his car and is blessed to be able to drive my aunt's car. My promotion went through and my raise is in the works! I can't wait to know how much money I'll make and my boss said it should be in effect starting next pay cycle! That's such a good thing. With my tax money we're buying a couch and I'm getting a new pair of glasses! I'll put pics up of both when I can. Well, I think that about covers it for now. Have great weeks!

...and two become three!

2009-02-03T20:08:00.000-06:00

Ok, so after much anticipation and lots of wanting and wishing and hoping...we've added to our family. I had the opportunity to make two into three and couldn't pass it up! Our little man is six weeks old and doesn't even weigh two pounds yet. I just love him and am so thrilled to have him. The nights are long and I'm so glad Mark's at home to watch over him during the day. Having him is like having a brand new baby. Every few hours he's up and either hungry, needs to pee, or wanting to play. At 2 in the morning, I'm so not in the mood for play, so he sleeps with us to enable a quick snuggle and then he goes back to sleep. Such a bad habit to start, but it works for right now and he won't be very big when he's all the way grown anyway. He loves Mark and follows both of us around well enough we don't even have a collar on him. He's still working on going outside, but he'salmost got it! He doesn't like to pee or poo in the house, he whines to tell us, but since he whines for almost everything, we're still learning what each one means! He's so smart and makes us laugh so hard, he's so spunky and cute, not to mention he's a snuggler! He's so perfect!

Middle of the Night

2009-01-27T01:11:00.000-06:00

It's one AM and I'm not even kind of sleepy which doesn't bode well for my poor body clock. I have the weirdest schedule. I close then open then close all in the same week and I just sleep when I can. I'm talking to Abbey which always makes me smile, and now that we're planning to actually see each other this summer, I can't wait! I'm finishing two little care packages this week and can't wait to send them! I have a new favorite store and they have the cutest crafty things, plus they're in my mall and I can sneak down there without Mark knowing! They know my name, is that bad? This is one of those blogs that will be very stream-of-conscious...so bear with me. I have found that I truly love a few things in my home. One is a clean kitchen with clean dishes and an empty sink. Two is a clean bedroom with room to move around and the ability to craft without moving a pile of clothes first. And third...I love coming home to Mark. He makes me happy and I can't help but smile when I see his face. He keeps me grounded and focused on what the goals we've set. I know that I will spend my life with him and I can't wait for the fun we'll have! I love my job as well and now I'm getting a promotion, I'll be even more involved. With more responsibility, I thrive and I can't wait for the challenges. Just tonight I finished the reset that another girl just couldn't find the time to do in THREE days! No lie, she wouldn't come in at all early and refused to stay late. So, I stayed over an hour on Saturday night and over an hour tonight to help get it done. I loved being able to create in the quiet and dark and know that it would be done and done correctly! I want so badly to have a sewing machine, but we have no where to put one and I'm still holding the hope that my father got me one and I just haven't gotten it because Aunt Judy's not home yet. She's doing really well already! She's talking like normal and can walk with help for nearly 50 feet! It's a step by step process, but the steps are happening. Well, I think my brain is starting to slow, because it's nearly two and the words aren't coming. More later, I guess...

The wonders of Ex-Lax and eBay!

2009-01-17T14:02:00.001-06:00

I talked to my dad today and he said my aunt is doing so much better. I will get to see her on Friday and judge for myself, but she's already able to sit up by herself and talk more clearly, so it's a step in the right direction.

Now...I have been bitten. Not by a fowl flying pest nor by a venomous serpent with dripping fangs and slick skin. No, I've been bitten by the crafting bug. I mean, I'm creating again, which is awesome. It's like I've been creatively constipated and just took some Ex-Lax...I know that's gross, but it's the analogy I can best work with. Ideas are flowing from my fingertips faster than I can put them to paper and glue. Just FYI, if you're getting a baby gift from me, it will have crafties in it! I know I can't compare with Jen's pages, but I can't help it. I'm not having babies anytime soon, but that's the majority of what's coming out of me. It's nice though, to sit in the quiet and think...then turn on Pirates and craft til my fingers ache and I can't sit up straight. It's wonderful and totally what I've needed to do for so long. My creations are lost on Mark, so I'm gonna post some photos on here soon...if you see something you like, let me know and I'll make one for you...seriously! I know how hard it is to want to have the time to do something and you just can't find that lever to pause life so you can craft. That's where Aunt Sara comes in!

Next I would like to expound on eBay! It's a horrendously addicting website designed by a ninja to get your money for stuff you could by at Target! I know people look for deals on eBay but when something exceeds the original price that you could have bought it for, don't keep bidding! Seriously, no containers are worth more than 50 dollars, and yet this item is still being bid on! I got this set for Christmas last year. It cost around 30 dollars. And yet there are some treasures, don't get me wrong! If you're searching for a vintage record or old memorabilia, eBay is the place to find it. I just don't understand buying something for more than it's worth. Oh but wait, didn't someone buy a grilled cheese sandwich because if you squinted your eyes and turned your head to the side and held your breath it looked like the Virgin Mary...people are strange. Everyday I'm shocked to realize that people no longer surprise me. So, on that note...LONG LIVE EBAY!!

Life of Purpose

2009-01-11T20:58:00.000-06:00

I know that it's been a long time since I updated my life, but I work in retail, and the holidays kicked my rear end. Now for the updates...Mark lost his job two weeks before Christmas, which was awful, but with me working so much it wasn't the end of the world. A few days later came the day the rocked my family.
My Aunt Judy is my dad's baby sister, our little family is incredibly close. She's always been a part of my life and even though she was my aunt and not my sister, we were really close. Well on this day, she had a wicked headache and didn't feel good. Finally sitting at her desk, she couldn't hold a pen anymore and called an ambulance. She had suffered a mild stroke but was still functioning. When the doctors did her CAT scans, they found a massive anuerism. She was life-flighted down here to Dallas where a surgery was scheduled to remove the bubble that could take her life. When her cranium was opened, the bubble burst and caused a horrible stroke on her left side. Her life was saved because they were already in her head. She was in an ICU clean unit, meaning no one could see her without scrubbing up first. And even then, she could only have a vistor one hour a day. So, we waited to see her until she was moved into a regular area of the hospital.
Today was the first day I've seen her since before her surgery. And while I hadn't cried, I am now. The amazing woman that I've known my whole life is gone. Replaced by hollow doppleganger with empty eyes and a dead left side. She was always the one who ralleyed and fought for us. She was the one we went to for fun and a general laugh. Today made me realize something incredible profound. This life is short and unpredictable and downright unfair sometimes. Judy was never able to have children, she had a complete hysterectomy at 20. I was the child she lived through. When my grandpa died, years ago, she moved in with my grandma to help her, to take care of her, to make sure she wasn't alone. Now, this responsibility is falling squarely on my father. He has selflessly given up his life and home to make sure that Mimi is cared for and that Judy has a safe and secure place to eventually come home to. More than anything, today took me back to two years ago...watching my mother...and it scared me.
I've been buying little pink things and little blue things for the friends having the babies. It seems that all around me, life goes on and babies are born and homes are made. But, today made me appreciate, once again, how quickly that can change. I came home and talked with Mark about what's going on and then just sat here in the quiet thinking.
Other than that, work is good. I'm getting a promotion at the end of the month, with more money and benefits. We're buying a couch. I'm cleaning out and throwing away all my leftover boxes of crap form when I moved. And I'm gathering wonderfully sweet little things to send to the friends I love. I have a good life. I'm grateful for it. I have a new appreciation of it. Maybe that's the lesson to be learned. Live every day on purpose. I here and now vow to love more, and laugh more, and live every second of my life with meaning and passion and purpose. Let's see what happens.

It must be something in the water...

2008-11-13T15:23:00.000-06:00

Ok, to any of you who read this and know me well, you will know that I have wanted to have a baby since I was old enough to say it! I was one of those rare women who always wanted a family and always thought of names and had them picked out since I was 10. Well, this feeling is not even kind of going away. In the last few months...Heather had a girl, Natalie had a girl, Kate had a boy, Avery had a girl, Crystal had a girl, Jen is having a boy and Stacey doesn't know yet. Seriously, I think it's in the water. We went to Sherman last weekend to see the newest little member of the family and the whole time we were there...I kept thinking "I know it will happen, I know it will happen when it's right. I just have to patient and allow the natural course of things take over." And then Mark held the baby. I could literally barely breathe. I have no doubt that this is the man I will spend the rest of forever with and that we will have a family and he will make an incredible father. But, I am getting a serious lesson in patience and it's nearly killing me. Don't get me wrong, I love living here and being young and uninhibited. I love that we can play all night and sleep all day on the weekends. That I come home from work and can just veg. I love that we laugh and tease eachother and have fun doing anything. And I know that when the time comes to not have that anymore, I will miss it. But, seriously... my biological clock is sounding the alarm. Maybe I should just get a puppy.

I love living in a big city!

2008-10-30T17:59:00.000-05:00

Last week I only had to work until Tuesday, then I had off the whole weekend off! So, I went to Sherman for a few days since it will be my last break for a while, before the dreaded holiday shopping shenanigans! My visit was great and the kid is even taller than he was before, I swear my mom puts miracle grow in his cereal.

Dad and I left early Saturday morning and came back to the city. We had plans to go to the Kimball Art Museum and see the Impressionist Exhibit. http://impressionists.kimbellart.org/ It was incredible. I have always had a thing with art from this time period and Claude Monet is my favorite artist of all time. There were rooms of priceless art and most of them were paintings I've studied in art classes over the years. Right there, in front of me, they hung. There was the giant painting "Paris Streets, Rainy Day" by Gustave Caillebotte. This painting took up an entire display wall and towered above everything. It's scale and precision were remarkable, and my dad was amazed at one detail in particular...the dainty vale on the woman's face. It was incredible to see this in person.

There were displays from Gauguin, Seurat, Pissaro, Manet, and so many others. They all show such passion, such talent, such vision! I know I sound like an art groupie, but I'm ok with that! In the painting by Renoir "Two Sisters" (At the top), the colors nearly jumped off the canvas and in others there was light and shadow like a photo.

Then there were a few paintings by Vincent Van Gogh, who always makes my heart skip a beat. This one, entitled "The Bedroom" is so childlike and yet intricate and detailed. To get up close, like we could, we could see the brushstrokes themselves and the attention to the detail that must have taken an agonizingly long time to achieve. There were others of his, but not too many. The museum had recently hosted the Van Gogh collection as it's own exhibit. All the art this time was from Chicago.

Finally I found a little piece of heaven...there was an entire room of Monet. They had a few of the series of haystacks. They had the views of Venice that make you want to go get yourself a passport just so you can see them for yourself. There was this one, "Bordighera" that literally took my breath away. It brought tears to my eyes that could not be stopped. I wasn't even embarrassed. I can't help that I have a strong reaction to his art. At last, I got to see the famous "Waterlilies" and others from that time. Again, I couldn't breathe and couldn't look away. My father just stood beside me and looked at the art. At the end of one of the galleries was "Poppy Field at Giverny". It's so beautiful there are no words.

I could have walked thru the galleries for days and not tired of the unadulterated beauty that was all around me. I know many don't like or understand art, but I think I came to realize something. You don't have to understand it, you just have to let it touch your heart. It's almost spiritual sometimes. I was so happy to get to spend that time with my dad and share that experience with him. He loved all of it as well, though he didn't shed any tears, he was quiet and reverent and edified. It was an awesome day.

Quick Catch Up

2008-10-22T21:54:00.000-05:00

I have friends all over the map and in a million different area codes. Although my life isn’t full of big moments and babies, they still want to know what’s going on with me as much as I want to know what’s going on with them. So, here we go. I’ll keep this as up to date as I can with pictures and everything. I hope you all enjoy. If you want to know anything, just ask!

Let me start with a quick update…Mark and I have been living together for nearly four months and are so happy. I have a great job that I love, and guess what it is…retail! I know that’s not a surprise to anyone who knows me, apparently being able to sell stuff is hereditary and I got the gene. I take the bus to work and it gives me quite a chance to people watch…more on that later. We have no pets, but we also don’t have much time when neither of us is working. We have been thinking about a puppy, but we’ll see how that goes. We like being able to spend our time doing fun stuff, like:

My birthday on 10.09 fell on a Thursday so we just had dinner on the night. On the Saturday after we went to Dave & Busters. We had a total blast! It’s like Chuck E. Cheese for adults and we had so much fun. We played for hours and won enough tickets to cash them in for a stuffed hippo. She’s adorable and I sleep with her at night. Then on Sunday we went up to Sherman to have a party with my family. We had sandwich stuff and cake and presents. Matthew was there. I swear that kid gets bigger every time I see him. He’s nearly as tall as I am now! We stopped by my mom’s and then stopped by Mark’s family’s house. It was good to see all of our family in one day, but I wish we could have had more time.

Then the next weekend we went to the Dallas World Aquarium. It was this amazing little oasis in the middle of the city. There were so many totally cool animals. There were monkeys, sharks, manatees, bugs, lizards, alligators, turtles, fish, sloths, and penguins! It was a neat experience to walk amongst all the animals in natural settings. I took a million photos. Then we went to dinner and a movie (Quarantine) and shopping then home! It was a wonderful day and a great weekend.

I find myself thinking about the future a lot lately…it seems that everyone I know is having babies, and of course I want that in my life, but I’ve also realized something. I have a good life. I’m young and having fun. I have a lifetime to have a family and the corresponding stress, but right now, I need to enjoy life and live every day on purpose. I don’t want to waste these opportunities and then have regrets later. I believe that having this time will make me a better mother in the long run anyway. I love my life right now and can't wait to see what happens next.

I Wished on a Star

2008-06-17T16:53:00.000-05:00

There comes a point in everyone's life where we get the chance to make a wish. I don't mean blow-out-the-candles wish, I mean look into the night sky and pick out the brightest star you see and pretend that for a moment you're five again and know with every fiber of your being that if you wish hard enough on that star, your wish will come true. I had such a moment just recently and when the opportunity presented itself to look out on my balcony and find the brightest ball of spinning gas I could, I conjured up a wish so unlikely, so fantastic, so much a part of my soul that it nearly hurt to let it into the cosmos. I squeezed my eyes closed and let my heart send up a hopeful request. Of course I can't tell you what I wished for because then it wouldn't come true, but I can tell you that as I sit here typing this today...my wish was heard and for some reason is being granted. Maybe I closed my eyes just tight enough, maybe someone or something actually hears these things, maybe it's a fluke, but whatever the scenario I find myself content.

My Road Less Traveled

2008-06-05T19:29:00.000-05:00

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth

Then took the other as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference

Robert Frost

Being able to have an embodiment of thoughts already set to words by a better poet than I is a great way to begin a new beginning. I find myself standing in my own yellow wood deciding which path to take in my life. One is safe and familiar and comes highly recommended. It affords me the approval of parents and others who claim to love me and want what's best for me. The other path, the one I've begun to take steps toward is a little less familiar and less recommended. It's still safe and well lit. It doesn't have raggedy trees or hooting owls or the ominous fog that exists in nightmares and B movies, I just can't see where the path leads.

I'm not walking down the path alone, I'm walking hand-in-hand with him. He's held my hand for longer than he realizes, even if only in my heart. As I take the first wobbly steps leading to the next stage of my life I wonder how I will look back at this moment. How will I see the quality of this decision? It will change my life. I have the trust in myself enough to believe in my heart. I also must trust him not to break it.

As I take my untrodden path I do so with excitement, apprehension, and yet a sense of calm I've never experienced. I look forward to the challenges to be overcome and the memories to be made. I look forward to the laughter. I look forward to the growth. I look forward to the positive creative energy that has begun to bubble out of my fingertips. I even look forward to the giant pot-holes in the pathway. Most of all I look forward...for the first time in a long time I look forward. And that has already changed my life.