I'm getting excited!

So, I'm totally getting excited about my new little apartment...because I'm trying not to stress out about the fact that I'm not done packing and supposed to be moving Saturday...so I decided to take a break and list a few of the things I'm excited about!

I'm excited about the new clean apartment smell, unpacking all my stuff and feeling like Christmas cause it's all going in a new place, white walls, making curtains, buying new goodies (even if it's a toilet brush and dish strainer), getting mail with my new address for the first time, walking to my mom's in my jammies, hanging out with Matthew whenever we want to, getting a cute key from Home Depot, taking pictures of the new place all set up to post on my blog, using my dishes again, baking something in my new oven, silence after a long day, sleeping in, eating my own left-overs, not having to share anything!, not having to clean up after a boy, having a pretty bathroom, lighting candles, watching movies all day, rocking out to 80's music, crafting to Pirates of the Caribbean, knowing where everything is because nobody moved it when I left, sheets that smell like me, walking around naked, having people over, having freedom, being single again!

Ok, moving Saturday, will blog when I can since I won't have internet for a while.

Decisions

Two posts in two days! What is the world coming to? Anyway...as I sit here in the peace of the night I can't help but daydream about my new place. It's teenie, just an efficiency, but it's bright and sunny and cozy. I have a generous friend who just about an hour ago called me and told me I could have her old furniture! It's not "old", she's just getting new stuff...so I get a full set for free, which is always the best way to get something like that. I couldn't thank her enough for her generosity and then I started to think...I made a decision some time ago. I made the decision for myself to be happy again and to regain some spiritual health. I haven't quite dusted off the old scriptures, but I catch myself talking to Heavenly Father more...which is a good thing. Then I realized that ever since I made the choice to leave here and this situation, everything is falling into place with the percision of a well thought-out puzzle piece...or maybe it's the blessing of a good choice. Here's the course of events...I decided to leave and that weekend my mom called me and told me there was a little apartment open in her area and it wouldn't be ready til the first of June, but if I wanted it, they'd hold it for me. Then some things happened at work and I lost a little of my excitement to be there everyday, which made the decision to leave a little easier. Then my dad mentioned that he would help with the expense of the UHaul and gas...then Mom mentioned that the Kid would be out of school and able to help move. Then Dad also mentioned that since my aunt is in a nursing home that I could have her bed (since mine was sold when I moved to Dallas). Then last weekend when we went home for Memorial Day weekend, I saw the cute little apartment, realized how much I missed my family and needed to be closer and knew that I was making the right choice. Then something else happened...we went to visit Mimi and Judy in the nursing home. We had stopped by the house to get some things they requested and the feeling of strangeness was overwhelming. It was spooky quiet and eerily sad in a house that was always so full of life and laughter and noise. I knew in that moment that I would never forgive myself if I was gone during the last part of their lives. I went the next day and signed a lease and turned in my two weeks notice. I haven't looked back from that point...and since, Mark's financial situation has turned back to the positive (less guilt in leaving now), Monkey sleeps soundly with me (good for when Mark's not around), Gary and Dad and Matthew and some others are all free to help move me next Saturday, I have furniture now, and lastly...I'm ready to actually have the spirit in my home...I need it with me for the first time in years. The anger has passed, the sadness is gone, and the optimism has returned. It's a glorious feeling to be ready for the next chapter. So...this decision is a good one and I can't wait to see what happens on the next page!

Climbing a Mountain

Ok, I know it's been a million years since I posted anything and I know a lot has changed and I know that nobody reads this, but I'm starting a new chapter and I'm gonna throw it out there!

I'm moving, with Monkey only, from Dallas back home. After way too many tears and screams and hurt feelings, I've had enough. I need to be happy. I need to be free. I need to get back to being comfortable in my own skin and I need to regain my spiritual footing. I wanted to have a family so badly that I created one in my own head and unfortunately it didn't translate into a language we both understood. I will always have love in my heart for this man that I've shared the last year of my life with and it wasn't all bad...but it wasn't enough. I deserve to be loved and adored unconditionally and that is what I'll wait for. In the meantime, I'll learn to love myself.

So, that being said, I have a new little apartment waiting and an amazing family who is coming to the rescue yet again with open arms and kind smiles and listening ears. I don't have a job yet, but I know one will come. And there's a whole ward waiting for the "prodigal daughter" to return. I don't know how comfortable that will be at first, but it's not supposed to be easy to climb a mountain. But, I have my climbing shoes on and I'm ready.

Happiness...may I have the definition, please!

Ok, so I'm sitting in the quiet...literally, silent except for the clicking of the keys as I type...thinking about something really serious.

Am I happy?

Now I know that from day to day our moods change, it's human nature, but mine doesn't much anymore. I'm pretty dang snippy most of the time. I rarely smile, I'm always irritated, and I feel like crying a lot (if I don't feel like doing Kung-Fu on random strangers simply because I have a need to knock someone down). I know that some may say it's PMS...I don't believe in PMS. I believe that your mood is a direct reflection of what's going on around you or within you. I have a great job, a sweet puppy, a roof over my head, food to eat, a loving family, amazing friends (even though they live a million miles away). I don't know what's wrong with me. My mother thinks it's that I need to go back to church...(gag) but I think that the cause is deeper than that. I think I'm unhappy...with life. Mark and I fight all the time lately. If it's not about money, it's about who didn't do the dishes or take Monkey out first thing in the morning, or who is more annoying! Seriously, we fight all the time. I'm at the stage in my life where I ache to have a family...it is literally an ache that is painful and constant. But more than that even is the desire to feel calm and happy and content. I miss being single and one shouldn't feel that way when they're living with someone. I miss coming home to quiet and calm. I miss stripping in the middle of the living room and eating cake for dinner. I miss laying in my cozy bed and reading a book on my day off. I miss coming home and being able to eat the leftovers I thought about, sitting in the fridge all day, beckoning with their yummy goodness. I miss knowing that when I spend a day cleaning, it will stay that way for a while...I miss being single. I miss sleeping for 12 hours if that's what I want to do. I miss watching sad or sappy or stupid movies and laughing or crying out loud. I miss the thrill of a first date, first kiss, flirting and giving away my number to the cute boy who winks at me. I miss romance in the stage of romance where you still care about making a good impression and you'd rather gouge out your eye than let the other person feel bad about themselves because of something you said. I miss kindness and consideration. I miss the dream...you know the one I mean, the dream where you have your white knight, but he's real and right in front of you and doesn't smell like a horse. I miss smiling, I miss laughing, I miss...I miss...I miss me. (sigh)

Now, on the other hand, I don't miss having to worry about how I look all the time, having to shave my legs everyday, or wear make-up (even though I do for work). I don't miss having a jar of something in my fridge for a year, because I can't get the lid off and keep forgetting to ask my dad to do it when he visits. I don't miss not having to pay for everything, take out the trash, or being alone when it storms.

But, when it comes to life and love...is that enough?

How much is that doggie in the window?

Ok, it's been a while since I've had either the time or the ability to update our life. First let me talk about Monkey. He is getting so big...well for him he's getting big. He still only weighs about 3 pounds. He's fearless! He now runs up and down the stairs like it's a game and jumps from the couch and the bed...but can't jump on. When we leave, whether for work or to go shopping, he knows we're leaving. He will either sneak out the door like a ninja, or he'll jump up in our bay window and walk the perimeter like a watch dog! He has so much character and personality now. He makes me laugh everyday and is always so excited to see me when I come home from work. He is very independent all day long, but there's something that comes over him at night and he gets very "young" and needy. Naptime during the day is no big deal, he has a comfy space under our bar with a blanket and his toys and that's where he crashes. However, as soon as it's dark and we start to get ready for bed and calm down...he needs his "mommy". I started a very bad habit of him in bed with me from day one and now that he's bigger, he takes over the bed...or crawls up and sleeps under my chin! He makes me so warm, but I love having his little heartbeat and breathing rhythm next to me. It's very soothing. Having him is really helping my baby craving, so it's a very good thing!

Another update is about my family. My aunt is doing well, but my grandmother is being moved to a nursing home. She had a bout with exhaustion and was really sick, so the doctors decided it was time. She needs 24 hour care and rest now...I mean she's 89! They're moving her from the hospital tomorrow morning to one of the best facilities in the state, so we're lucky for that part. And then it was decided that my aunt, who is making progress, but is still dependent on others would move there as well. They are going to share a little suite and they're both actually excited about the move. In the words of my aunt, it will take away the fear and allow them to enjoy things again without the worry of falling, getting sick, having no one around to help, or the daily chores that were impossible for either of them to do for themselves. I'm grateful for the nurses who have helped them so much every day. And to the amazing man and woman I was born to. My father has sacrificed everything the last few months. His time, his energy, his freedom were all given without a second thought. I'm more proud of him everyday. And then there's my mom. My parents haven't been married for 20 some years...and yet she has taken the opportunity to help in everyway possible. She sat with my aunt while Mimi had appointments, made sure they had dinner on the nights my dad needed a break, and now that Mimi's gone, she's still helping with Judy. She sent men (Gary and Matthew) to help move furniture, makes meals, keeps them company...and I can't tell how proud of her I am. She has no responsibility for this part of my family anymore and still she opens her heart and steps up. I'm so grateful for the examples they are setting for me. And the knowledge that in a few days two of the most important women in my life will be cared for and safe once again.

Finally, Mark got into school and has everything ready to start DeVry in April! We're so excited and can't wait to see the progress he makes. We've decided that I'll keep working and he'll concentrate on school. He could be done in two years, and with my recent promotion and improving debt, we'll be good to go! I'm so stoked. Once he's done and things are normal...we get to move onto the next stage of our "family". The next little while will be an exciting time in our lives and I am thrilled to share it with him.

One of life's greatest blessings...

This beautiful little boy is the nephew of the man I love and the son of the oldest friend I have. His name is Ethan and he is amazing. He's so calm and mellow and every time I see him he's bigger and cuter and more communicative. He started out as this tiny little "worm baby", as his uncle loved to call him. He was red and squirmy and not very fun, but still so cute! Now he has a little personality and loves to smile and laugh. Of course with all the goofy members of his family, who wouldn't laugh? I loved walking in and looking at him and cooing at him and in return, I got a grin with dimples and a coo right back. Being around Ethan is a surreal experience for me. See, his mom and I grew up together. We've been friends forever. I don't ever even remember a time when she wasn't in my life. We were even in the same Kindergarten class. It's a reality check to me when I see her wedding photos and then the first baby came and now this one. It makes me think about when we were little girls and used to play dolls and house. I can vividly remember walking around the house with dolls in strollers with her. Then I see her as a mother and am reminded that although life has blasted past us and carried us in its wake, I am so glad I get to see her through this. She's an amazing mother, with her hands full, but still she's full of love and kindness and patience. I'm in awe of her sometimes. I can't wait til I get to share this part of my life with her as well.

Also being around her boys makes me think how blessed we are to know where those little spirits come from and why they're here. I look at Ethan and I see heaven sparkle in his eyes. He oozes sweetness and innocence and love. You can't help but to be excited to walk up to him and snuggle his warm little body against yours and then watch him light up and smile, simply because he can. He was so funny this weekend, he kept making faces and scrunching his eyebrows, then because we giggled he did too. It was wonderful and such a sweet moment to get to share with the family.

Oh and the puppy has been named...Monkey. He earns it every day! He climbs on everything and just makes us laugh. He hops and runs everywhere and then snuggles when he's sleepy. He chases toes and his own tale and is terrified of heights. He knows that when he goes outside and goes potty he gets a treat. He waits for it! Right now, he's snuggled up in a towel at my feet. I almost can't remember life without him in it. We love him so much. Everyone asked me this weekend if I still wanted a baby, and of course the answer was yes. I have a greater understanding of the sleep deprivation I will experience, but I can't wait to have a human baby!

Now misc updates...my aunt got to come home this week and is doing well. My little brother is starting baseball and loving it. My dad killed his car and is blessed to be able to drive my aunt's car. My promotion went through and my raise is in the works! I can't wait to know how much money I'll make and my boss said it should be in effect starting next pay cycle! That's such a good thing. With my tax money we're buying a couch and I'm getting a new pair of glasses! I'll put pics up of both when I can. Well, I think that about covers it for now. Have great weeks!

...and two become three!

Ok, so after much anticipation and lots of wanting and wishing and hoping...we've added to our family. I had the opportunity to make two into three and couldn't pass it up! Our little man is six weeks old and doesn't even weigh two pounds yet. I just love him and am so thrilled to have him. The nights are long and I'm so glad Mark's at home to watch over him during the day. Having him is like having a brand new baby. Every few hours he's up and either hungry, needs to pee, or wanting to play. At 2 in the morning, I'm so not in the mood for play, so he sleeps with us to enable a quick snuggle and then he goes back to sleep. Such a bad habit to start, but it works for right now and he won't be very big when he's all the way grown anyway. He loves Mark and follows both of us around well enough we don't even have a collar on him. He's still working on going outside, but he'salmost got it! He doesn't like to pee or poo in the house, he whines to tell us, but since he whines for almost everything, we're still learning what each one means! He's so smart and makes us laugh so hard, he's so spunky and cute, not to mention he's a snuggler! He's so perfect!