Sunday, August 30, 2009
I missed you a lot today...
I missed you a lot today. There were great big puffy clouds in the sky; the kind we used to find all sorts of fun things in while sitting on the front porch. The sky was a perfect blue and there was a cool breeze heralding the autumn chill. It will be fall soon and the trees will explode with color and the dew will turn to frost and the squirrels will be running around the roof with their stash growing every day. But today, was one of those days were sweet dreams become reality...the perfect day at the end of the summer. Sixty years ago there would have been a dozen neighborhood kids playing tag football in the side yard or maybe just a few playing cowboys and indians. Tonight there's an extra blanket on my bed and I have socks on my feet. The daisies in my flower pot are starting to whither, but they're still lovely. I burned up my teapot yesterday...I turned the wrong burner on...I smiled when I thought it was something you would have done (and have before). Aunt Judy told Dad that when he wins the lottery, she wants a hot male nurse who likes older women. I could hear your voice going "lalala". I felt you holding my hand while I was standing by the lake, just like I often feel you beside me. I guess I just miss telling you things. Things like how much I love you and miss you and wish I could hear you laugh just one more time...
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
5 am wake-up call
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Ideas Please!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Stuck in the mud
I had already given my notice at work before Mimi died, but then it was really over. I haven't been back since. I see her face in every one of the residents and I just can't do it anymore. So, that being said, I think I'm going to put my nose to the grind-stone and figure out what to do to get myself back to happy. I miss her so much I can barely breathe when I think of her. I want to make her proud.
I got a great job opportunity, assistant manager back at Catherine's. I start the 24th. So in the meantime, I've begun two significant projects...I've started selling Avon, quick and easy money and not much huge effort. (Plus, Mom will be my best customer) The second project is to get my Etsy page revamped...I'll post a link when it's ready. I keep my home clean, Monkey happy, dishes done, and my head in the clouds! One day, hopefully not to long from now, I'll wake up and be comfortable in my own skin again. Until then, I'll just smile and dream.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
For Mimi
God gave a great gift to the world in July of 1919. A gift of light, love, and laughter. A gift of humor, grace and humility. A gift to be protected and kept in a safe place. He gave the world one of His greatest creations. He gave Modena and Dee a unique daughter. He gave Nolan and Bonnie a cherished sister. He gave Floyd a beloved wife. He gave Bill and Judy an amazing mother. And He gave Sara her treasured Mimi.
All my life you taught me things…how to reach the cookies in the cookie jar without making a sound, how to make the best mud-pies this side of the Red River, how to make imaginary tea taste like heaven. But, more than any of that, you taught me how to feel adored. I never questioned your love and devotion to the blond-headed firecracker who repeated words like a magpie, and told jokes just to see you smile. Whether it was sitting on the porch eating M&Ms or listening to your voice read me the same story everyday, when I sat next to you, I was safe. I felt at ease and completely loved.
From a distance, the letters flew, when we moved around and changed lives. The phone number was always the same and the sweet voice on the other end was such a comfort. When frigid wind later blew around a campus dorm, collect calls were accepted and hours were spent poring over every detail of college life. Every birthday was a celebration, every Christmas a production of epic proportions, every tradition made was kept safe and special.
When tragedy struck our family, you rallied behind us all. You opened your heart and home to a young boy who desperately needed Mimi-love. You wrapped him into the folds of your heart, and never let him go. He loves you for that, and is so proud to call you his. You remained the rock in the tumultuous seas of life. You were the beacon of security and love and home. You were the safe place to fall, the shoulder to cry on, and the voice of reason.
Over the years, the old house under the sycamore trees was the house of memories: Kids playing in the side yard, Easter egg hunts, family pictures, Sunday dinners, cowboys and Indians, introductions, announcements, board games, chocolate pies, fashion shows, “First-born-baby-boys”, “Curly-headed dolls”, sleep-overs, make-overs, weddings, funerals, birthdays, Mother’s Days, even just Tuesdays. Friends gathered, love was shared, and laughter echoed from the rafters. The place on the end of the couch will always be yours.
You were many things in your life: a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a mother-in-law, a grandmother, an aunt, a niece, a cousin, and a friend. The void you leave is great. I know that I speak for the entire family and for all the friends when I say: We love you, more that words can express. We are grateful to have had you in our lives. And we are so glad that for a few moments, we got to be a part of your life too.
Mildred Rubarts Galyon
July 24, 1919-August 9, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
I'm getting excited!
I'm excited about the new clean apartment smell, unpacking all my stuff and feeling like Christmas cause it's all going in a new place, white walls, making curtains, buying new goodies (even if it's a toilet brush and dish strainer), getting mail with my new address for the first time, walking to my mom's in my jammies, hanging out with Matthew whenever we want to, getting a cute key from Home Depot, taking pictures of the new place all set up to post on my blog, using my dishes again, baking something in my new oven, silence after a long day, sleeping in, eating my own left-overs, not having to share anything!, not having to clean up after a boy, having a pretty bathroom, lighting candles, watching movies all day, rocking out to 80's music, crafting to Pirates of the Caribbean, knowing where everything is because nobody moved it when I left, sheets that smell like me, walking around naked, having people over, having freedom, being single again!
Ok, moving Saturday, will blog when I can since I won't have internet for a while.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Decisions
Friday, May 29, 2009
Climbing a Mountain
I'm moving, with Monkey only, from Dallas back home. After way too many tears and screams and hurt feelings, I've had enough. I need to be happy. I need to be free. I need to get back to being comfortable in my own skin and I need to regain my spiritual footing. I wanted to have a family so badly that I created one in my own head and unfortunately it didn't translate into a language we both understood. I will always have love in my heart for this man that I've shared the last year of my life with and it wasn't all bad...but it wasn't enough. I deserve to be loved and adored unconditionally and that is what I'll wait for. In the meantime, I'll learn to love myself.
So, that being said, I have a new little apartment waiting and an amazing family who is coming to the rescue yet again with open arms and kind smiles and listening ears. I don't have a job yet, but I know one will come. And there's a whole ward waiting for the "prodigal daughter" to return. I don't know how comfortable that will be at first, but it's not supposed to be easy to climb a mountain. But, I have my climbing shoes on and I'm ready.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Happiness...may I have the definition, please!
Am I happy?
Now I know that from day to day our moods change, it's human nature, but mine doesn't much anymore. I'm pretty dang snippy most of the time. I rarely smile, I'm always irritated, and I feel like crying a lot (if I don't feel like doing Kung-Fu on random strangers simply because I have a need to knock someone down). I know that some may say it's PMS...I don't believe in PMS. I believe that your mood is a direct reflection of what's going on around you or within you. I have a great job, a sweet puppy, a roof over my head, food to eat, a loving family, amazing friends (even though they live a million miles away). I don't know what's wrong with me. My mother thinks it's that I need to go back to church...(gag) but I think that the cause is deeper than that. I think I'm unhappy...with life. Mark and I fight all the time lately. If it's not about money, it's about who didn't do the dishes or take Monkey out first thing in the morning, or who is more annoying! Seriously, we fight all the time. I'm at the stage in my life where I ache to have a family...it is literally an ache that is painful and constant. But more than that even is the desire to feel calm and happy and content. I miss being single and one shouldn't feel that way when they're living with someone. I miss coming home to quiet and calm. I miss stripping in the middle of the living room and eating cake for dinner. I miss laying in my cozy bed and reading a book on my day off. I miss coming home and being able to eat the leftovers I thought about, sitting in the fridge all day, beckoning with their yummy goodness. I miss knowing that when I spend a day cleaning, it will stay that way for a while...I miss being single. I miss sleeping for 12 hours if that's what I want to do. I miss watching sad or sappy or stupid movies and laughing or crying out loud. I miss the thrill of a first date, first kiss, flirting and giving away my number to the cute boy who winks at me. I miss romance in the stage of romance where you still care about making a good impression and you'd rather gouge out your eye than let the other person feel bad about themselves because of something you said. I miss kindness and consideration. I miss the dream...you know the one I mean, the dream where you have your white knight, but he's real and right in front of you and doesn't smell like a horse. I miss smiling, I miss laughing, I miss...I miss...I miss me. (sigh)
Now, on the other hand, I don't miss having to worry about how I look all the time, having to shave my legs everyday, or wear make-up (even though I do for work). I don't miss having a jar of something in my fridge for a year, because I can't get the lid off and keep forgetting to ask my dad to do it when he visits. I don't miss not having to pay for everything, take out the trash, or being alone when it storms.
But, when it comes to life and love...is that enough?
Monday, March 9, 2009
How much is that doggie in the window?
Ok, it's been a while since I've had either the time or the ability to update our life. First let me talk about Monkey. He is getting so big...well for him he's getting big. He still only weighs about 3 pounds. He's fearless! He now runs up and down the stairs like it's a game and jumps from the couch and the bed...but can't jump on. When we leave, whether for work or to go shopping, he knows we're leaving. He will either sneak out the door like a ninja, or he'll jump up in our bay window and walk the perimeter like a watch dog! He has so much character and personality now. He makes me laugh everyday and is always so excited to see me when I come home from work. He is very independent all day long, but there's something that comes over him at night and he gets very "young" and needy. Naptime during the day is no big deal, he has a comfy space under our bar with a blanket and his toys and that's where he crashes. However, as soon as it's dark and we start to get ready for bed and calm down...he needs his "mommy". I started a very bad habit of him in bed with me from day one and now that he's bigger, he takes over the bed...or crawls up and sleeps under my chin! He makes me so warm, but I love having his little heartbeat and breathing rhythm next to me. It's very soothing. Having him is really helping my baby craving, so it's a very good thing!
Another update is about my family. My aunt is doing well, but my grandmother is being moved to a nursing home. She had a bout with exhaustion and was really sick, so the doctors decided it was time. She needs 24 hour care and rest now...I mean she's 89! They're moving her from the hospital tomorrow morning to one of the best facilities in the state, so we're lucky for that part. And then it was decided that my aunt, who is making progress, but is still dependent on others would move there as well. They are going to share a little suite and they're both actually excited about the move. In the words of my aunt, it will take away the fear and allow them to enjoy things again without the worry of falling, getting sick, having no one around to help, or the daily chores that were impossible for either of them to do for themselves. I'm grateful for the nurses who have helped them so much every day. And to the amazing man and woman I was born to. My father has sacrificed everything the last few months. His time, his energy, his freedom were all given without a second thought. I'm more proud of him everyday. And then there's my mom. My parents haven't been married for 20 some years...and yet she has taken the opportunity to help in everyway possible. She sat with my aunt while Mimi had appointments, made sure they had dinner on the nights my dad needed a break, and now that Mimi's gone, she's still helping with Judy. She sent men (Gary and Matthew) to help move furniture, makes meals, keeps them company...and I can't tell how proud of her I am. She has no responsibility for this part of my family anymore and still she opens her heart and steps up. I'm so grateful for the examples they are setting for me. And the knowledge that in a few days two of the most important women in my life will be cared for and safe once again.
Finally, Mark got into school and has everything ready to start DeVry in April! We're so excited and can't wait to see the progress he makes. We've decided that I'll keep working and he'll concentrate on school. He could be done in two years, and with my recent promotion and improving debt, we'll be good to go! I'm so stoked. Once he's done and things are normal...we get to move onto the next stage of our "family". The next little while will be an exciting time in our lives and I am thrilled to share it with him.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
One of life's greatest blessings...
Also being around her boys makes me think how blessed we are to know where those little spirits come from and why they're here. I look at Ethan and I see heaven sparkle in his eyes. He oozes sweetness and innocence and love. You can't help but to be excited to walk up to him and snuggle his warm little body against yours and then watch him light up and smile, simply because he can. He was so funny this weekend, he kept making faces and scrunching his eyebrows, then because we giggled he did too. It was wonderful and such a sweet moment to get to share with the family.
Oh and the puppy has been named...Monkey. He earns it every day! He climbs on everything and just makes us laugh. He hops and runs everywhere and then snuggles when he's sleepy. He chases toes and his own tale and is terrified of heights. He knows that when he goes outside and goes potty he gets a treat. He waits for it! Right now, he's snuggled up in a towel at my feet. I almost can't remember life without him in it. We love him so much. Everyone asked me this weekend if I still wanted a baby, and of course the answer was yes. I have a greater understanding of the sleep deprivation I will experience, but I can't wait to have a human baby!
Now misc updates...my aunt got to come home this week and is doing well. My little brother is starting baseball and loving it. My dad killed his car and is blessed to be able to drive my aunt's car. My promotion went through and my raise is in the works! I can't wait to know how much money I'll make and my boss said it should be in effect starting next pay cycle! That's such a good thing. With my tax money we're buying a couch and I'm getting a new pair of glasses! I'll put pics up of both when I can. Well, I think that about covers it for now. Have great weeks!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
...and two become three!
Ok, so after much anticipation and lots of wanting and wishing and hoping...we've added to our family. I had the opportunity to make two into three and couldn't pass it up! Our little man is six weeks old and doesn't even weigh two pounds yet. I just love him and am so thrilled to have him. The nights are long and I'm so glad Mark's at home to watch over him during the day. Having him is like having a brand new baby. Every few hours he's up and either hungry, needs to pee, or wanting to play. At 2 in the morning, I'm so not in the mood for play, so he sleeps with us to enable a quick snuggle and then he goes back to sleep. Such a bad habit to start, but it works for right now and he won't be very big when he's all the way grown anyway. He loves Mark and follows both of us around well enough we don't even have a collar on him. He's still working on going outside, but he'salmost got it! He doesn't like to pee or poo in the house, he whines to tell us, but since he whines for almost everything, we're still learning what each one means! He's so smart and makes us laugh so hard, he's so spunky and cute, not to mention he's a snuggler! He's so perfect!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Middle of the Night
Saturday, January 17, 2009
The wonders of Ex-Lax and eBay!
Now...I have been bitten. Not by a fowl flying pest nor by a venomous serpent with dripping fangs and slick skin. No, I've been bitten by the crafting bug. I mean, I'm creating again, which is awesome. It's like I've been creatively constipated and just took some Ex-Lax...I know that's gross, but it's the analogy I can best work with. Ideas are flowing from my fingertips faster than I can put them to paper and glue. Just FYI, if you're getting a baby gift from me, it will have crafties in it! I know I can't compare with Jen's pages, but I can't help it. I'm not having babies anytime soon, but that's the majority of what's coming out of me. It's nice though, to sit in the quiet and think...then turn on Pirates and craft til my fingers ache and I can't sit up straight. It's wonderful and totally what I've needed to do for so long. My creations are lost on Mark, so I'm gonna post some photos on here soon...if you see something you like, let me know and I'll make one for you...seriously! I know how hard it is to want to have the time to do something and you just can't find that lever to pause life so you can craft. That's where Aunt Sara comes in!
Next I would like to expound on eBay! It's a horrendously addicting website designed by a ninja to get your money for stuff you could by at Target! I know people look for deals on eBay but when something exceeds the original price that you could have bought it for, don't keep bidding! Seriously, no containers are worth more than 50 dollars, and yet this item is still being bid on! I got this set for Christmas last year. It cost around 30 dollars. And yet there are some treasures, don't get me wrong! If you're searching for a vintage record or old memorabilia, eBay is the place to find it. I just don't understand buying something for more than it's worth. Oh but wait, didn't someone buy a grilled cheese sandwich because if you squinted your eyes and turned your head to the side and held your breath it looked like the Virgin Mary...people are strange. Everyday I'm shocked to realize that people no longer surprise me. So, on that note...LONG LIVE EBAY!!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Life of Purpose
My Aunt Judy is my dad's baby sister, our little family is incredibly close. She's always been a part of my life and even though she was my aunt and not my sister, we were really close. Well on this day, she had a wicked headache and didn't feel good. Finally sitting at her desk, she couldn't hold a pen anymore and called an ambulance. She had suffered a mild stroke but was still functioning. When the doctors did her CAT scans, they found a massive anuerism. She was life-flighted down here to Dallas where a surgery was scheduled to remove the bubble that could take her life. When her cranium was opened, the bubble burst and caused a horrible stroke on her left side. Her life was saved because they were already in her head. She was in an ICU clean unit, meaning no one could see her without scrubbing up first. And even then, she could only have a vistor one hour a day. So, we waited to see her until she was moved into a regular area of the hospital.
Today was the first day I've seen her since before her surgery. And while I hadn't cried, I am now. The amazing woman that I've known my whole life is gone. Replaced by hollow doppleganger with empty eyes and a dead left side. She was always the one who ralleyed and fought for us. She was the one we went to for fun and a general laugh. Today made me realize something incredible profound. This life is short and unpredictable and downright unfair sometimes. Judy was never able to have children, she had a complete hysterectomy at 20. I was the child she lived through. When my grandpa died, years ago, she moved in with my grandma to help her, to take care of her, to make sure she wasn't alone. Now, this responsibility is falling squarely on my father. He has selflessly given up his life and home to make sure that Mimi is cared for and that Judy has a safe and secure place to eventually come home to. More than anything, today took me back to two years ago...watching my mother...and it scared me.
I've been buying little pink things and little blue things for the friends having the babies. It seems that all around me, life goes on and babies are born and homes are made. But, today made me appreciate, once again, how quickly that can change. I came home and talked with Mark about what's going on and then just sat here in the quiet thinking.
Other than that, work is good. I'm getting a promotion at the end of the month, with more money and benefits. We're buying a couch. I'm cleaning out and throwing away all my leftover boxes of crap form when I moved. And I'm gathering wonderfully sweet little things to send to the friends I love. I have a good life. I'm grateful for it. I have a new appreciation of it. Maybe that's the lesson to be learned. Live every day on purpose. I here and now vow to love more, and laugh more, and live every second of my life with meaning and passion and purpose. Let's see what happens.