Happiness...may I have the definition, please!

Ok, so I'm sitting in the quiet...literally, silent except for the clicking of the keys as I type...thinking about something really serious.

Am I happy?

Now I know that from day to day our moods change, it's human nature, but mine doesn't much anymore. I'm pretty dang snippy most of the time. I rarely smile, I'm always irritated, and I feel like crying a lot (if I don't feel like doing Kung-Fu on random strangers simply because I have a need to knock someone down). I know that some may say it's PMS...I don't believe in PMS. I believe that your mood is a direct reflection of what's going on around you or within you. I have a great job, a sweet puppy, a roof over my head, food to eat, a loving family, amazing friends (even though they live a million miles away). I don't know what's wrong with me. My mother thinks it's that I need to go back to church...(gag) but I think that the cause is deeper than that. I think I'm unhappy...with life. Mark and I fight all the time lately. If it's not about money, it's about who didn't do the dishes or take Monkey out first thing in the morning, or who is more annoying! Seriously, we fight all the time. I'm at the stage in my life where I ache to have a family...it is literally an ache that is painful and constant. But more than that even is the desire to feel calm and happy and content. I miss being single and one shouldn't feel that way when they're living with someone. I miss coming home to quiet and calm. I miss stripping in the middle of the living room and eating cake for dinner. I miss laying in my cozy bed and reading a book on my day off. I miss coming home and being able to eat the leftovers I thought about, sitting in the fridge all day, beckoning with their yummy goodness. I miss knowing that when I spend a day cleaning, it will stay that way for a while...I miss being single. I miss sleeping for 12 hours if that's what I want to do. I miss watching sad or sappy or stupid movies and laughing or crying out loud. I miss the thrill of a first date, first kiss, flirting and giving away my number to the cute boy who winks at me. I miss romance in the stage of romance where you still care about making a good impression and you'd rather gouge out your eye than let the other person feel bad about themselves because of something you said. I miss kindness and consideration. I miss the dream...you know the one I mean, the dream where you have your white knight, but he's real and right in front of you and doesn't smell like a horse. I miss smiling, I miss laughing, I miss...I miss...I miss me. (sigh)

Now, on the other hand, I don't miss having to worry about how I look all the time, having to shave my legs everyday, or wear make-up (even though I do for work). I don't miss having a jar of something in my fridge for a year, because I can't get the lid off and keep forgetting to ask my dad to do it when he visits. I don't miss not having to pay for everything, take out the trash, or being alone when it storms.

But, when it comes to life and love...is that enough?

How much is that doggie in the window?

Ok, it's been a while since I've had either the time or the ability to update our life. First let me talk about Monkey. He is getting so big...well for him he's getting big. He still only weighs about 3 pounds. He's fearless! He now runs up and down the stairs like it's a game and jumps from the couch and the bed...but can't jump on. When we leave, whether for work or to go shopping, he knows we're leaving. He will either sneak out the door like a ninja, or he'll jump up in our bay window and walk the perimeter like a watch dog! He has so much character and personality now. He makes me laugh everyday and is always so excited to see me when I come home from work. He is very independent all day long, but there's something that comes over him at night and he gets very "young" and needy. Naptime during the day is no big deal, he has a comfy space under our bar with a blanket and his toys and that's where he crashes. However, as soon as it's dark and we start to get ready for bed and calm down...he needs his "mommy". I started a very bad habit of him in bed with me from day one and now that he's bigger, he takes over the bed...or crawls up and sleeps under my chin! He makes me so warm, but I love having his little heartbeat and breathing rhythm next to me. It's very soothing. Having him is really helping my baby craving, so it's a very good thing!

Another update is about my family. My aunt is doing well, but my grandmother is being moved to a nursing home. She had a bout with exhaustion and was really sick, so the doctors decided it was time. She needs 24 hour care and rest now...I mean she's 89! They're moving her from the hospital tomorrow morning to one of the best facilities in the state, so we're lucky for that part. And then it was decided that my aunt, who is making progress, but is still dependent on others would move there as well. They are going to share a little suite and they're both actually excited about the move. In the words of my aunt, it will take away the fear and allow them to enjoy things again without the worry of falling, getting sick, having no one around to help, or the daily chores that were impossible for either of them to do for themselves. I'm grateful for the nurses who have helped them so much every day. And to the amazing man and woman I was born to. My father has sacrificed everything the last few months. His time, his energy, his freedom were all given without a second thought. I'm more proud of him everyday. And then there's my mom. My parents haven't been married for 20 some years...and yet she has taken the opportunity to help in everyway possible. She sat with my aunt while Mimi had appointments, made sure they had dinner on the nights my dad needed a break, and now that Mimi's gone, she's still helping with Judy. She sent men (Gary and Matthew) to help move furniture, makes meals, keeps them company...and I can't tell how proud of her I am. She has no responsibility for this part of my family anymore and still she opens her heart and steps up. I'm so grateful for the examples they are setting for me. And the knowledge that in a few days two of the most important women in my life will be cared for and safe once again.

Finally, Mark got into school and has everything ready to start DeVry in April! We're so excited and can't wait to see the progress he makes. We've decided that I'll keep working and he'll concentrate on school. He could be done in two years, and with my recent promotion and improving debt, we'll be good to go! I'm so stoked. Once he's done and things are normal...we get to move onto the next stage of our "family". The next little while will be an exciting time in our lives and I am thrilled to share it with him.

One of life's greatest blessings...

This beautiful little boy is the nephew of the man I love and the son of the oldest friend I have. His name is Ethan and he is amazing. He's so calm and mellow and every time I see him he's bigger and cuter and more communicative. He started out as this tiny little "worm baby", as his uncle loved to call him. He was red and squirmy and not very fun, but still so cute! Now he has a little personality and loves to smile and laugh. Of course with all the goofy members of his family, who wouldn't laugh? I loved walking in and looking at him and cooing at him and in return, I got a grin with dimples and a coo right back. Being around Ethan is a surreal experience for me. See, his mom and I grew up together. We've been friends forever. I don't ever even remember a time when she wasn't in my life. We were even in the same Kindergarten class. It's a reality check to me when I see her wedding photos and then the first baby came and now this one. It makes me think about when we were little girls and used to play dolls and house. I can vividly remember walking around the house with dolls in strollers with her. Then I see her as a mother and am reminded that although life has blasted past us and carried us in its wake, I am so glad I get to see her through this. She's an amazing mother, with her hands full, but still she's full of love and kindness and patience. I'm in awe of her sometimes. I can't wait til I get to share this part of my life with her as well.

Also being around her boys makes me think how blessed we are to know where those little spirits come from and why they're here. I look at Ethan and I see heaven sparkle in his eyes. He oozes sweetness and innocence and love. You can't help but to be excited to walk up to him and snuggle his warm little body against yours and then watch him light up and smile, simply because he can. He was so funny this weekend, he kept making faces and scrunching his eyebrows, then because we giggled he did too. It was wonderful and such a sweet moment to get to share with the family.

Oh and the puppy has been named...Monkey. He earns it every day! He climbs on everything and just makes us laugh. He hops and runs everywhere and then snuggles when he's sleepy. He chases toes and his own tale and is terrified of heights. He knows that when he goes outside and goes potty he gets a treat. He waits for it! Right now, he's snuggled up in a towel at my feet. I almost can't remember life without him in it. We love him so much. Everyone asked me this weekend if I still wanted a baby, and of course the answer was yes. I have a greater understanding of the sleep deprivation I will experience, but I can't wait to have a human baby!

Now misc updates...my aunt got to come home this week and is doing well. My little brother is starting baseball and loving it. My dad killed his car and is blessed to be able to drive my aunt's car. My promotion went through and my raise is in the works! I can't wait to know how much money I'll make and my boss said it should be in effect starting next pay cycle! That's such a good thing. With my tax money we're buying a couch and I'm getting a new pair of glasses! I'll put pics up of both when I can. Well, I think that about covers it for now. Have great weeks!

...and two become three!

Ok, so after much anticipation and lots of wanting and wishing and hoping...we've added to our family. I had the opportunity to make two into three and couldn't pass it up! Our little man is six weeks old and doesn't even weigh two pounds yet. I just love him and am so thrilled to have him. The nights are long and I'm so glad Mark's at home to watch over him during the day. Having him is like having a brand new baby. Every few hours he's up and either hungry, needs to pee, or wanting to play. At 2 in the morning, I'm so not in the mood for play, so he sleeps with us to enable a quick snuggle and then he goes back to sleep. Such a bad habit to start, but it works for right now and he won't be very big when he's all the way grown anyway. He loves Mark and follows both of us around well enough we don't even have a collar on him. He's still working on going outside, but he'salmost got it! He doesn't like to pee or poo in the house, he whines to tell us, but since he whines for almost everything, we're still learning what each one means! He's so smart and makes us laugh so hard, he's so spunky and cute, not to mention he's a snuggler! He's so perfect!

Middle of the Night

It's one AM and I'm not even kind of sleepy which doesn't bode well for my poor body clock. I have the weirdest schedule. I close then open then close all in the same week and I just sleep when I can. I'm talking to Abbey which always makes me smile, and now that we're planning to actually see each other this summer, I can't wait! I'm finishing two little care packages this week and can't wait to send them! I have a new favorite store and they have the cutest crafty things, plus they're in my mall and I can sneak down there without Mark knowing! They know my name, is that bad? This is one of those blogs that will be very stream-of-conscious...so bear with me. I have found that I truly love a few things in my home. One is a clean kitchen with clean dishes and an empty sink. Two is a clean bedroom with room to move around and the ability to craft without moving a pile of clothes first. And third...I love coming home to Mark. He makes me happy and I can't help but smile when I see his face. He keeps me grounded and focused on what the goals we've set. I know that I will spend my life with him and I can't wait for the fun we'll have! I love my job as well and now I'm getting a promotion, I'll be even more involved. With more responsibility, I thrive and I can't wait for the challenges. Just tonight I finished the reset that another girl just couldn't find the time to do in THREE days! No lie, she wouldn't come in at all early and refused to stay late. So, I stayed over an hour on Saturday night and over an hour tonight to help get it done. I loved being able to create in the quiet and dark and know that it would be done and done correctly! I want so badly to have a sewing machine, but we have no where to put one and I'm still holding the hope that my father got me one and I just haven't gotten it because Aunt Judy's not home yet. She's doing really well already! She's talking like normal and can walk with help for nearly 50 feet! It's a step by step process, but the steps are happening. Well, I think my brain is starting to slow, because it's nearly two and the words aren't coming. More later, I guess...

The wonders of Ex-Lax and eBay!

I talked to my dad today and he said my aunt is doing so much better. I will get to see her on Friday and judge for myself, but she's already able to sit up by herself and talk more clearly, so it's a step in the right direction.

Now...I have been bitten. Not by a fowl flying pest nor by a venomous serpent with dripping fangs and slick skin. No, I've been bitten by the crafting bug. I mean, I'm creating again, which is awesome. It's like I've been creatively constipated and just took some Ex-Lax...I know that's gross, but it's the analogy I can best work with. Ideas are flowing from my fingertips faster than I can put them to paper and glue. Just FYI, if you're getting a baby gift from me, it will have crafties in it! I know I can't compare with Jen's pages, but I can't help it. I'm not having babies anytime soon, but that's the majority of what's coming out of me. It's nice though, to sit in the quiet and think...then turn on Pirates and craft til my fingers ache and I can't sit up straight. It's wonderful and totally what I've needed to do for so long. My creations are lost on Mark, so I'm gonna post some photos on here soon...if you see something you like, let me know and I'll make one for you...seriously! I know how hard it is to want to have the time to do something and you just can't find that lever to pause life so you can craft. That's where Aunt Sara comes in!

Next I would like to expound on eBay! It's a horrendously addicting website designed by a ninja to get your money for stuff you could by at Target! I know people look for deals on eBay but when something exceeds the original price that you could have bought it for, don't keep bidding! Seriously, no containers are worth more than 50 dollars, and yet this item is still being bid on! I got this set for Christmas last year. It cost around 30 dollars. And yet there are some treasures, don't get me wrong! If you're searching for a vintage record or old memorabilia, eBay is the place to find it. I just don't understand buying something for more than it's worth. Oh but wait, didn't someone buy a grilled cheese sandwich because if you squinted your eyes and turned your head to the side and held your breath it looked like the Virgin Mary...people are strange. Everyday I'm shocked to realize that people no longer surprise me. So, on that note...LONG LIVE EBAY!!

Life of Purpose

I know that it's been a long time since I updated my life, but I work in retail, and the holidays kicked my rear end. Now for the updates...Mark lost his job two weeks before Christmas, which was awful, but with me working so much it wasn't the end of the world. A few days later came the day the rocked my family.
My Aunt Judy is my dad's baby sister, our little family is incredibly close. She's always been a part of my life and even though she was my aunt and not my sister, we were really close. Well on this day, she had a wicked headache and didn't feel good. Finally sitting at her desk, she couldn't hold a pen anymore and called an ambulance. She had suffered a mild stroke but was still functioning. When the doctors did her CAT scans, they found a massive anuerism. She was life-flighted down here to Dallas where a surgery was scheduled to remove the bubble that could take her life. When her cranium was opened, the bubble burst and caused a horrible stroke on her left side. Her life was saved because they were already in her head. She was in an ICU clean unit, meaning no one could see her without scrubbing up first. And even then, she could only have a vistor one hour a day. So, we waited to see her until she was moved into a regular area of the hospital.
Today was the first day I've seen her since before her surgery. And while I hadn't cried, I am now. The amazing woman that I've known my whole life is gone. Replaced by hollow doppleganger with empty eyes and a dead left side. She was always the one who ralleyed and fought for us. She was the one we went to for fun and a general laugh. Today made me realize something incredible profound. This life is short and unpredictable and downright unfair sometimes. Judy was never able to have children, she had a complete hysterectomy at 20. I was the child she lived through. When my grandpa died, years ago, she moved in with my grandma to help her, to take care of her, to make sure she wasn't alone. Now, this responsibility is falling squarely on my father. He has selflessly given up his life and home to make sure that Mimi is cared for and that Judy has a safe and secure place to eventually come home to. More than anything, today took me back to two years ago...watching my mother...and it scared me.
I've been buying little pink things and little blue things for the friends having the babies. It seems that all around me, life goes on and babies are born and homes are made. But, today made me appreciate, once again, how quickly that can change. I came home and talked with Mark about what's going on and then just sat here in the quiet thinking.
Other than that, work is good. I'm getting a promotion at the end of the month, with more money and benefits. We're buying a couch. I'm cleaning out and throwing away all my leftover boxes of crap form when I moved. And I'm gathering wonderfully sweet little things to send to the friends I love. I have a good life. I'm grateful for it. I have a new appreciation of it. Maybe that's the lesson to be learned. Live every day on purpose. I here and now vow to love more, and laugh more, and live every second of my life with meaning and passion and purpose. Let's see what happens.