Happiness...may I have the definition, please!

Ok, so I'm sitting in the quiet...literally, silent except for the clicking of the keys as I type...thinking about something really serious.

Am I happy?

Now I know that from day to day our moods change, it's human nature, but mine doesn't much anymore. I'm pretty dang snippy most of the time. I rarely smile, I'm always irritated, and I feel like crying a lot (if I don't feel like doing Kung-Fu on random strangers simply because I have a need to knock someone down). I know that some may say it's PMS...I don't believe in PMS. I believe that your mood is a direct reflection of what's going on around you or within you. I have a great job, a sweet puppy, a roof over my head, food to eat, a loving family, amazing friends (even though they live a million miles away). I don't know what's wrong with me. My mother thinks it's that I need to go back to church...(gag) but I think that the cause is deeper than that. I think I'm unhappy...with life. Mark and I fight all the time lately. If it's not about money, it's about who didn't do the dishes or take Monkey out first thing in the morning, or who is more annoying! Seriously, we fight all the time. I'm at the stage in my life where I ache to have a family...it is literally an ache that is painful and constant. But more than that even is the desire to feel calm and happy and content. I miss being single and one shouldn't feel that way when they're living with someone. I miss coming home to quiet and calm. I miss stripping in the middle of the living room and eating cake for dinner. I miss laying in my cozy bed and reading a book on my day off. I miss coming home and being able to eat the leftovers I thought about, sitting in the fridge all day, beckoning with their yummy goodness. I miss knowing that when I spend a day cleaning, it will stay that way for a while...I miss being single. I miss sleeping for 12 hours if that's what I want to do. I miss watching sad or sappy or stupid movies and laughing or crying out loud. I miss the thrill of a first date, first kiss, flirting and giving away my number to the cute boy who winks at me. I miss romance in the stage of romance where you still care about making a good impression and you'd rather gouge out your eye than let the other person feel bad about themselves because of something you said. I miss kindness and consideration. I miss the dream...you know the one I mean, the dream where you have your white knight, but he's real and right in front of you and doesn't smell like a horse. I miss smiling, I miss laughing, I miss...I miss...I miss me. (sigh)

Now, on the other hand, I don't miss having to worry about how I look all the time, having to shave my legs everyday, or wear make-up (even though I do for work). I don't miss having a jar of something in my fridge for a year, because I can't get the lid off and keep forgetting to ask my dad to do it when he visits. I don't miss not having to pay for everything, take out the trash, or being alone when it storms.

But, when it comes to life and love...is that enough?

How much is that doggie in the window?

Ok, it's been a while since I've had either the time or the ability to update our life. First let me talk about Monkey. He is getting so big...well for him he's getting big. He still only weighs about 3 pounds. He's fearless! He now runs up and down the stairs like it's a game and jumps from the couch and the bed...but can't jump on. When we leave, whether for work or to go shopping, he knows we're leaving. He will either sneak out the door like a ninja, or he'll jump up in our bay window and walk the perimeter like a watch dog! He has so much character and personality now. He makes me laugh everyday and is always so excited to see me when I come home from work. He is very independent all day long, but there's something that comes over him at night and he gets very "young" and needy. Naptime during the day is no big deal, he has a comfy space under our bar with a blanket and his toys and that's where he crashes. However, as soon as it's dark and we start to get ready for bed and calm down...he needs his "mommy". I started a very bad habit of him in bed with me from day one and now that he's bigger, he takes over the bed...or crawls up and sleeps under my chin! He makes me so warm, but I love having his little heartbeat and breathing rhythm next to me. It's very soothing. Having him is really helping my baby craving, so it's a very good thing!

Another update is about my family. My aunt is doing well, but my grandmother is being moved to a nursing home. She had a bout with exhaustion and was really sick, so the doctors decided it was time. She needs 24 hour care and rest now...I mean she's 89! They're moving her from the hospital tomorrow morning to one of the best facilities in the state, so we're lucky for that part. And then it was decided that my aunt, who is making progress, but is still dependent on others would move there as well. They are going to share a little suite and they're both actually excited about the move. In the words of my aunt, it will take away the fear and allow them to enjoy things again without the worry of falling, getting sick, having no one around to help, or the daily chores that were impossible for either of them to do for themselves. I'm grateful for the nurses who have helped them so much every day. And to the amazing man and woman I was born to. My father has sacrificed everything the last few months. His time, his energy, his freedom were all given without a second thought. I'm more proud of him everyday. And then there's my mom. My parents haven't been married for 20 some years...and yet she has taken the opportunity to help in everyway possible. She sat with my aunt while Mimi had appointments, made sure they had dinner on the nights my dad needed a break, and now that Mimi's gone, she's still helping with Judy. She sent men (Gary and Matthew) to help move furniture, makes meals, keeps them company...and I can't tell how proud of her I am. She has no responsibility for this part of my family anymore and still she opens her heart and steps up. I'm so grateful for the examples they are setting for me. And the knowledge that in a few days two of the most important women in my life will be cared for and safe once again.

Finally, Mark got into school and has everything ready to start DeVry in April! We're so excited and can't wait to see the progress he makes. We've decided that I'll keep working and he'll concentrate on school. He could be done in two years, and with my recent promotion and improving debt, we'll be good to go! I'm so stoked. Once he's done and things are normal...we get to move onto the next stage of our "family". The next little while will be an exciting time in our lives and I am thrilled to share it with him.