Decisions

Two posts in two days! What is the world coming to? Anyway...as I sit here in the peace of the night I can't help but daydream about my new place. It's teenie, just an efficiency, but it's bright and sunny and cozy. I have a generous friend who just about an hour ago called me and told me I could have her old furniture! It's not "old", she's just getting new stuff...so I get a full set for free, which is always the best way to get something like that. I couldn't thank her enough for her generosity and then I started to think...I made a decision some time ago. I made the decision for myself to be happy again and to regain some spiritual health. I haven't quite dusted off the old scriptures, but I catch myself talking to Heavenly Father more...which is a good thing. Then I realized that ever since I made the choice to leave here and this situation, everything is falling into place with the percision of a well thought-out puzzle piece...or maybe it's the blessing of a good choice. Here's the course of events...I decided to leave and that weekend my mom called me and told me there was a little apartment open in her area and it wouldn't be ready til the first of June, but if I wanted it, they'd hold it for me. Then some things happened at work and I lost a little of my excitement to be there everyday, which made the decision to leave a little easier. Then my dad mentioned that he would help with the expense of the UHaul and gas...then Mom mentioned that the Kid would be out of school and able to help move. Then Dad also mentioned that since my aunt is in a nursing home that I could have her bed (since mine was sold when I moved to Dallas). Then last weekend when we went home for Memorial Day weekend, I saw the cute little apartment, realized how much I missed my family and needed to be closer and knew that I was making the right choice. Then something else happened...we went to visit Mimi and Judy in the nursing home. We had stopped by the house to get some things they requested and the feeling of strangeness was overwhelming. It was spooky quiet and eerily sad in a house that was always so full of life and laughter and noise. I knew in that moment that I would never forgive myself if I was gone during the last part of their lives. I went the next day and signed a lease and turned in my two weeks notice. I haven't looked back from that point...and since, Mark's financial situation has turned back to the positive (less guilt in leaving now), Monkey sleeps soundly with me (good for when Mark's not around), Gary and Dad and Matthew and some others are all free to help move me next Saturday, I have furniture now, and lastly...I'm ready to actually have the spirit in my home...I need it with me for the first time in years. The anger has passed, the sadness is gone, and the optimism has returned. It's a glorious feeling to be ready for the next chapter. So...this decision is a good one and I can't wait to see what happens on the next page!

Climbing a Mountain

Ok, I know it's been a million years since I posted anything and I know a lot has changed and I know that nobody reads this, but I'm starting a new chapter and I'm gonna throw it out there!

I'm moving, with Monkey only, from Dallas back home. After way too many tears and screams and hurt feelings, I've had enough. I need to be happy. I need to be free. I need to get back to being comfortable in my own skin and I need to regain my spiritual footing. I wanted to have a family so badly that I created one in my own head and unfortunately it didn't translate into a language we both understood. I will always have love in my heart for this man that I've shared the last year of my life with and it wasn't all bad...but it wasn't enough. I deserve to be loved and adored unconditionally and that is what I'll wait for. In the meantime, I'll learn to love myself.

So, that being said, I have a new little apartment waiting and an amazing family who is coming to the rescue yet again with open arms and kind smiles and listening ears. I don't have a job yet, but I know one will come. And there's a whole ward waiting for the "prodigal daughter" to return. I don't know how comfortable that will be at first, but it's not supposed to be easy to climb a mountain. But, I have my climbing shoes on and I'm ready.