I missed you a lot today...

I miss talking to my Mimi so if you will humor me...I'm going to talk to her here.

I missed you a lot today. There were great big puffy clouds in the sky; the kind we used to find all sorts of fun things in while sitting on the front porch. The sky was a perfect blue and there was a cool breeze heralding the autumn chill. It will be fall soon and the trees will explode with color and the dew will turn to frost and the squirrels will be running around the roof with their stash growing every day. But today, was one of those days were sweet dreams become reality...the perfect day at the end of the summer. Sixty years ago there would have been a dozen neighborhood kids playing tag football in the side yard or maybe just a few playing cowboys and indians. Tonight there's an extra blanket on my bed and I have socks on my feet. The daisies in my flower pot are starting to whither, but they're still lovely. I burned up my teapot yesterday...I turned the wrong burner on...I smiled when I thought it was something you would have done (and have before). Aunt Judy told Dad that when he wins the lottery, she wants a hot male nurse who likes older women. I could hear your voice going "lalala". I felt you holding my hand while I was standing by the lake, just like I often feel you beside me. I guess I just miss telling you things. Things like how much I love you and miss you and wish I could hear you laugh just one more time...

5 am wake-up call

Today was one of those days that happens rarely in my life. I got up early (ok, so 10 isn't that early, but for me it is...especially when I didn't have to be to work til 3) and made myself breakfast! I made Monkey breakfast (this is because he refuses to eat his regular dog food, so he gets a canned food/ hard food combo) then we went for a walk. When we got back I cleaned the kitchen, took out all the trash, put away four baskets of laundry, cleaned the bathroom, changed the sheets on my bed, gave Monkey a bath and then got myself ready for work! I felt like a complete rockstar! My neighbor above me is a teacher in another town and therefore gets up at 5 am! No kidding and so not funny! This does, however, motivate me to go to bed earlier...which in turn helps me get up earlier...on the days when I have to open it will be great and on the days I have to close, I'll be productive! I hope to have everything ready to start school in the spring and work on getting this degree done. I have a million crafting ideas and now have to work on getting them out of my head and into reality. I'm trying to keep myself busy so I don't drive myself insane with being lonely, but time will help heal that as well. That's a lot of information in a small space, so I think I'll call it a night. Thanks for reading!

Ideas Please!

Ok, so it's 12:30 AM...that's right, the middle of the night on a Tuesday/ Wednesday. I'm still up, wide awake, and fidgity. I don't even know if that's a word, but it is now. I was so excited to have this week off to craft and scrapbook and write and just do the million things I couldn't find time to do while I worked. *scoffs* Well, of course, as fate and timing would have it, I'm stuck. I have no ideas. I sat at my stamping table today with the excitement reserved for Christmas morning and birthday presents. Nothin'! Absolutely nothing. So, I got up, cleaned my kitchen, watered my daisies, walked Monkey, and loaded photos onto the computer. Surely this would clear enough way for an idea or two, right? Nope...no such luck. So, here I sit, with all the time in the world and two closets of various supplies for the making of cute crafties and my result is...nothing. I did, however, manage to go thru my entire scrap bucket and either turn it into squares or circles to be used in the future instead of a giant box of colored debris. A friend says wisely..."You can't force it. It will come." Thanks for that, but really? I'm the creative whiz...maybe I'm whizzed out.

Stuck in the mud

I think I've decided that I'm bored. I don't mean like can't find anything to do bored, I mean like numb to the world and completely restless bored. I'm stunted. I got out of a bad situation and now, I'm stuck back in the mud...alone and safe, but muddy none the less.

I had already given my notice at work before Mimi died, but then it was really over. I haven't been back since. I see her face in every one of the residents and I just can't do it anymore. So, that being said, I think I'm going to put my nose to the grind-stone and figure out what to do to get myself back to happy. I miss her so much I can barely breathe when I think of her. I want to make her proud.

I got a great job opportunity, assistant manager back at Catherine's. I start the 24th. So in the meantime, I've begun two significant projects...I've started selling Avon, quick and easy money and not much huge effort. (Plus, Mom will be my best customer) The second project is to get my Etsy page revamped...I'll post a link when it's ready. I keep my home clean, Monkey happy, dishes done, and my head in the clouds! One day, hopefully not to long from now, I'll wake up and be comfortable in my own skin again. Until then, I'll just smile and dream.

For Mimi

God gave a great gift to the world in July of 1919. A gift of light, love, and laughter. A gift of humor, grace and humility. A gift to be protected and kept in a safe place. He gave the world one of His greatest creations. He gave Modena and Dee a unique daughter. He gave Nolan and Bonnie a cherished sister. He gave Floyd a beloved wife. He gave Bill and Judy an amazing mother. And He gave Sara her treasured Mimi.

All my life you taught me things…how to reach the cookies in the cookie jar without making a sound, how to make the best mud-pies this side of the Red River, how to make imaginary tea taste like heaven. But, more than any of that, you taught me how to feel adored. I never questioned your love and devotion to the blond-headed firecracker who repeated words like a magpie, and told jokes just to see you smile. Whether it was sitting on the porch eating M&Ms or listening to your voice read me the same story everyday, when I sat next to you, I was safe. I felt at ease and completely loved.

From a distance, the letters flew, when we moved around and changed lives. The phone number was always the same and the sweet voice on the other end was such a comfort. When frigid wind later blew around a campus dorm, collect calls were accepted and hours were spent poring over every detail of college life. Every birthday was a celebration, every Christmas a production of epic proportions, every tradition made was kept safe and special.

When tragedy struck our family, you rallied behind us all. You opened your heart and home to a young boy who desperately needed Mimi-love. You wrapped him into the folds of your heart, and never let him go. He loves you for that, and is so proud to call you his. You remained the rock in the tumultuous seas of life. You were the beacon of security and love and home. You were the safe place to fall, the shoulder to cry on, and the voice of reason.

Over the years, the old house under the sycamore trees was the house of memories: Kids playing in the side yard, Easter egg hunts, family pictures, Sunday dinners, cowboys and Indians, introductions, announcements, board games, chocolate pies, fashion shows, “First-born-baby-boys”, “Curly-headed dolls”, sleep-overs, make-overs, weddings, funerals, birthdays, Mother’s Days, even just Tuesdays. Friends gathered, love was shared, and laughter echoed from the rafters. The place on the end of the couch will always be yours.

You were many things in your life: a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a mother-in-law, a grandmother, an aunt, a niece, a cousin, and a friend. The void you leave is great. I know that I speak for the entire family and for all the friends when I say: We love you, more that words can express. We are grateful to have had you in our lives. And we are so glad that for a few moments, we got to be a part of your life too.

Mildred Rubarts Galyon

July 24, 1919-August 9, 2009

I'm getting excited!

So, I'm totally getting excited about my new little apartment...because I'm trying not to stress out about the fact that I'm not done packing and supposed to be moving Saturday...so I decided to take a break and list a few of the things I'm excited about!

I'm excited about the new clean apartment smell, unpacking all my stuff and feeling like Christmas cause it's all going in a new place, white walls, making curtains, buying new goodies (even if it's a toilet brush and dish strainer), getting mail with my new address for the first time, walking to my mom's in my jammies, hanging out with Matthew whenever we want to, getting a cute key from Home Depot, taking pictures of the new place all set up to post on my blog, using my dishes again, baking something in my new oven, silence after a long day, sleeping in, eating my own left-overs, not having to share anything!, not having to clean up after a boy, having a pretty bathroom, lighting candles, watching movies all day, rocking out to 80's music, crafting to Pirates of the Caribbean, knowing where everything is because nobody moved it when I left, sheets that smell like me, walking around naked, having people over, having freedom, being single again!

Ok, moving Saturday, will blog when I can since I won't have internet for a while.

Decisions

Two posts in two days! What is the world coming to? Anyway...as I sit here in the peace of the night I can't help but daydream about my new place. It's teenie, just an efficiency, but it's bright and sunny and cozy. I have a generous friend who just about an hour ago called me and told me I could have her old furniture! It's not "old", she's just getting new stuff...so I get a full set for free, which is always the best way to get something like that. I couldn't thank her enough for her generosity and then I started to think...I made a decision some time ago. I made the decision for myself to be happy again and to regain some spiritual health. I haven't quite dusted off the old scriptures, but I catch myself talking to Heavenly Father more...which is a good thing. Then I realized that ever since I made the choice to leave here and this situation, everything is falling into place with the percision of a well thought-out puzzle piece...or maybe it's the blessing of a good choice. Here's the course of events...I decided to leave and that weekend my mom called me and told me there was a little apartment open in her area and it wouldn't be ready til the first of June, but if I wanted it, they'd hold it for me. Then some things happened at work and I lost a little of my excitement to be there everyday, which made the decision to leave a little easier. Then my dad mentioned that he would help with the expense of the UHaul and gas...then Mom mentioned that the Kid would be out of school and able to help move. Then Dad also mentioned that since my aunt is in a nursing home that I could have her bed (since mine was sold when I moved to Dallas). Then last weekend when we went home for Memorial Day weekend, I saw the cute little apartment, realized how much I missed my family and needed to be closer and knew that I was making the right choice. Then something else happened...we went to visit Mimi and Judy in the nursing home. We had stopped by the house to get some things they requested and the feeling of strangeness was overwhelming. It was spooky quiet and eerily sad in a house that was always so full of life and laughter and noise. I knew in that moment that I would never forgive myself if I was gone during the last part of their lives. I went the next day and signed a lease and turned in my two weeks notice. I haven't looked back from that point...and since, Mark's financial situation has turned back to the positive (less guilt in leaving now), Monkey sleeps soundly with me (good for when Mark's not around), Gary and Dad and Matthew and some others are all free to help move me next Saturday, I have furniture now, and lastly...I'm ready to actually have the spirit in my home...I need it with me for the first time in years. The anger has passed, the sadness is gone, and the optimism has returned. It's a glorious feeling to be ready for the next chapter. So...this decision is a good one and I can't wait to see what happens on the next page!